Mothers and Daughters: A Crucial Connection After Divorce | HuffPost Life
Jun 19, Of all the relationships in family life, the one between mother-in-law and daughter -in-law is often the most tenuous one. . But then after the wedding – the very day of the wedding – everything seemed to change and now. Not only does she get a husband, but in most cases, a mother-in-law as well. But far too many women describe this relationship as fragile, tense, and even. Her project focused on themother-daughter relationship within the first two years following the mother's divorce. At leastone of the children had to be an.
Perhaps it's because we live in a culture that author Harriet Lerner refers to as mother-blaming. In The Dance of Connection she writes, "Also mothers are less likely than fathers to disappear in the fray, and are therefore a "safe" target of attack.
Mavis Hetherington's landmark study of 1, divorced families over a period of thirty years.
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Clearly, she considers the connection between mothers and daughters to be a protective factor after divorce. After extensive examination, she concludes that preadolescent girls develop close supportive relationships with their mothers but that this shifts during adolescence when there is more upheaval in their lives.
In For Better or for WorseHetherington writes "In adolescence, there is a notable increase in conflict in these relationships, particularly between early maturing daughters and their mothers.In-Law Conflict: Your Wife vs Your Mother
Linda Nielsen, author of Between Fathers and Daughterswrites "Sadly, only percent of fathers and daughters get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting. Another point made by Dr.
Did Your In-Laws Dump You After Divorce? | HuffPost Life
Nielsen that I noted in my own researchis that daughters are more upset about and negatively impacted by parental conflict than sons post-divorce. Why exactly is the mother-daughter relationship so complicated? Peggy Drexler notes that many mothers like to feel connected to their daughters and, in many cases, their daughters' friends. She writes, "At a time when there is so much societal pressure to stay young, this helps keep us feeling youthful.
It also helps us feel appreciated long after our children stop "needing" us to survive. Drexler makes the point that many mothers seek validation through their daughters. In my opinion, this need could be exaggerated after divorce when the mother's coping skills might be strained. In fact, the mother-daughter best friend idea doesn't leave room for the more traditional role of mom and could even lead to a competitive edge between them.
Andrea has been divorced for over two years and she often goes on shopping trips with her year-old daughter Maggie.
While they both enjoy many aspects of these outings, Maggie admits that her mom may be living vicariously through her. Maggie says, "My mom likes fashion and always wants my opinion on her new outfits and I don't have the heart to tell her what I really think.
I don't like it when she confides bad things about my dad or stepfather to me because it makes it hard for me to like them. Boundaries are an important part of any relationship, but they are especially critical for mothers and daughters after the breakup of a family. This can be hard for mothers, because they have a special place for their boys in their hearts.
The psychology behind the mother-in-law relationship--Aleteia
Marriage requires the total self-gift, so he cannot retain a boy-like affection for his mother while giving himself totally to his wife. A hard new truth This separation is hard for mothers. This is also why and when the tension builds: This becomes a greater problem if the son does in fact remain overly attached to his mother. Naturally, she had strange feelings toward the new young bride that had displaced her. Mothers must accept that their sons are men and husbands, meaning mom must, in a sense, submit to his authority in his home and not ever seek to influence the choices and directions of the family.
She no longer has authority over him.
She had her chance, and now he is grown. She must never speak ill of his new wife as a way to re-create a bond with the son, and she should not use guilt to try to coax him back in close to her or to do what she thinks is right. Sons should cleave to their wives, and not sow unnecessary tension by, for example, discussing things with their mothers that they do not discuss with their wives, or seeking motherly advice or approval in ways that a boy would.
Did Your In-Laws Dump You After Divorce?
They should reverence their mothers and honor them as they are commanded by God to do, while doing so as men. They must give themselves totally and fully to their wives. Wives should reverence their mother-in-law as well, with proper respect and gratitude for the gift of the husband.
They should seek them out as mentors and, in the best case, develop friendships with the mother, united by their common love. While they may feel the tension at times, they have still married into a family and respect is important.
We know that the fruit of that union is children, and that all of these relationships are good and capable of being holy and life giving.