The Real Reason Dating is a Revolving Door: A Lack of Focus on Interdependent Behavior
Revolving Door Relationships. We've all heard the famous quote regarding the definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over. You know, the kind where you've allowed the men in your life to come in. Have you ever felt like you've been living your life like a revolving door? There was no real desire for him to rekindle that relationship and make. in your life more than six months and you have never defined your relationship. out most likely at their leisure like the revolving door of a hotel for christsake. If a guy wants to see you he will and cut the bullshit excuses.
But, it's not really rebuilding. What happens more times than not is one person gives and gives and changes and bends while the other takes, takes and takes some more. This can be heartbreaking. Especially when you are riding on hope that "this time will be different". Love is not suppose to be painful. Sure, it can be challenging at times. It can give you a headache, make your ears hurt, make you a bit confused, but it shouldn't make you cry bitter tears more than joyful laughs.
It shouldn't make you so sullen you lose that sparkle that is your spirit. It shouldn't ever make you feel disposable, replaceable, or dismissed. It motivates and accentuates your essence of self. It isn't something that is ripped out from under you, or used as a tool against you. We've all had those relationships where things weren't working, we take a break, then start again.
Sometimes a time apart is good. It gives two people, who came into the relationship, possibly, with baggage from an old love, time to weed out their own flaws, fix them and then review what needs to change in order for this to work.
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It's a matte of compromise and most importantly, understanding. Patterns are difficult to break. We get into them, they become routine and we find we run on auto pilot. We all return to the relationship with that renewed hope and optimism, and both seem to be working at it, and as long as it's all happy and joyous it runs well. What happens when you do that?
The Real Reason Dating is a Revolving Door
Your partner loses his or her desire for you. Once the desire is gone, your relationship is doomed. This can happen in a matter of days, weeks or months, but when it does happen an excruciating cycle of one partner seeking distance and one partner seeking closeness may ensue — causing a ton of stress. Proponents of interdependence theory often turn to attachment theory as being the reason why we have a tendency to turn our relationships into passionless collaborations.
They are not wrong. That safety and emotional security is the end goal. If you have experienced this and it ended up with you feeling passionless in your relationship, it is not because attachment theory is wrong.
It is because in order to desire someone, you need emotional distance and emotional security is the gateway to allowing this growth. I recently had a conversation with a man who was very honest about his divorce and how hard he tried to make his marriage work. Coming from a traditional culture his decision to move on was not taken lightly. He recounted the pain he endured from the arguments but mostly he described how he felt like his sense of well being, his desire to be a man, his career and anything that made him happy was not taken seriously by his ex-wife.
It was as if she controlled everything! Now he is cautious about relationships and on guard for a woman who will take over and tell him how to live his life. Will he ever marry again?Crazy Town - Revolving Door
I think so but he has learned the hard way that a real relationship requires an emotionally stable and secure partner who is capable of being loving AND giving enough emotional space to thrive.
Our current dating culture is a revolving door because we are repeating this pattern in a period of weeks. We begin to make plans.
Soon we are no longer seeing friends and spending the whole day in bed together until, one day, one partner realizes that they have lost him or herself, panics, and pulls back — often devastating his or her partner. You feel like "Wow! He missed me and he's realized how much I meant to him.
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There was no real desire for him to rekindle that relationship and make good on all those promises of love, respect, and loyalty. Why is it so hard to let go of someone or something that means you absolutely no good? That breaks your heart with disappointment every time you encounter it?
For me it's because I like feeling desired and when these men would come back into my life it would make me feel more desirable, needed, WANTED. Especially after dealing with so much heartbreak and disappointment. They made me feel important There were nights where I would pray for that person to come back to me so I could show them how much of an asset I could be to their lives.